True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
