forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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