u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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