K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
