After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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