I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
