Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
