in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
