I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
