cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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