I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
