id be glad to
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i've created a new STD.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
