okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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