just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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