Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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