please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
