So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She even gives head with a lisp.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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