My friends, they love my intelligence
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
