Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
