He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's never too late to be topless.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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