I wish I could teleport
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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