i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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