who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
