In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
