On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Success! We fucked roommates!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
