My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
