that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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