She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
