How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
