wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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