And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
