last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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