just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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