just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
