I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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