the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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