Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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