Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
