I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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