I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
