So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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