Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
