mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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