Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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