Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
