She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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