So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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