Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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