Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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