i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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