Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
